Starting Clunky - Finding Your Feet With Compassion Focused Therapy (Even When It Feels Awkward)

Building a compassion-focused therapy practice by having the courage to try

When I first started trying to use Compassion-Focused Therapy in my sessions, I felt super clunky.

Not just a bit awkward, full-body cringe clunky. The sort of cringe you may remember from viewing your training tapes or doing a fishbowl. I had this passionate belief that CFT could really help my clients. I had a supervisor with a CFT background who was supportive and encouraging, and I had been using some of the practices myself personally. I knew it could make a big difference to clients, especially the ones stuck in shame or harsh self-criticism. But every time I tried to bring it in, I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, making it up as I went along.

And I want to say that out loud, because if you’re feeling like that too, you’re not alone.

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The myth of doing it “properly”

We therapists can feel the pressure to be incredibly skilled and know what we’re doing before we even start. My fellow IAPT survivors will remember going into trainee therapy sessions with a few days of teaching under your belt, and then being expected to pass a CTSR!

My experience of the CFT world is that everyone is incredibly understanding and supportive of beginners. Despite that, I still held this expectation for myself that I needed to be incredibly skilled before I even started. Maybe it’s the theory-heavy training or the layered complexity of the model. Or maybe, like many of you, it’s because I was drawn to CFT because I care deeply, and that care comes with a side of perfectionism.

But therapy, like any other skill, rarely starts smoothly.

And with CFT, it really is okay to start clunky.

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My Clunky Beginnings

☑️ The Three Circles... then nothing

I still remember the first time I introduced the Three Circles model to a client. I explained it (probably a bit too quickly, definitely with too much didactic theory ), got them to draw out thier own circles a bit and then… I froze. I didn’t really know what to do with it next. These three circles floated between other bits of a CBT protocol I was following to help with thier low mood. Was I supposed to link it to their main formulation? Do I explore their drives more? Is it now that I’m supposed to teach them to breathe? Was I meant to bring it back next week? I mumbled something vague about needing more soothing system activation and moved on.

☑️ Soothing Rhythm Breathing or awkward hippie voice?

Then there was my first go at Soothing Rhythm Breathing. I was trying to be calm and grounded, but I was so aware of my voice. You know, that voice, the one you hear on dippy hippie meditation recordings with blinky plonky music. (I promise folks, you do not need that voice). I kept second-guessing the pace, was I counting too fast? Too slow? Was I supposed to be talking about “the flows of life” in this bit? Or does that come later? I remember taking a peek at one point and seeing my client shifting around, looking awkwardly confused. It ended with both of us doing slightly erratic breathing and laughing awkwardly. Not the most soothing, but hey, at least laughing together helps with therapeutic rapport, right?

☑️ Is this drift?

At the start of my journey trying to integrate CFT into my CBT, I felt totally lost in my CBT protocols. I was trying to weave in compassionate perspectives, but I would get lost and could hear my CBT supervisor in my head, “This is drift Kirsty, what’s your clinical rationale?”. I remember thinking, “Is this even CBT anymore? Am I just going rogue and making a mess of it”. I worried what my colleagues would say. I worried I was losing focus. I was worried about my recovery rates. I worried it wasn’t working.

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What Helped

What I’ve learned since then is that clunkiness is part of the process. It’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong, it’s a sign you’re trying and learning. And like learning any new skill, confidence comes from doing. Not from waiting until you’ve memorised every diagram, read every book or memorised someone else’s script.

Having attended lots of training and done skills practice with colleagues that I admire and respect, I’ve also learnt a valuable lesson. It’s how you make this your own that matters. If you watch the greats at work - Paul Gilbert, Toby Bell, Chris Irons, Russel Kolts, James Kirby, Wendy Wood (to name a few) they are all a little different. And if you ask about what ‘order’ to go in or whether there is a protocol, you will get the same answer, there isn’t one.

The magic of CFT is building a personal and clinical ‘knowing’ that can only come from the ‘doing’. It’s a mixture of slowing down, paying attention to both your and your client’s subtle shifts, then you can begin to get a feel for when something else is needed. And as Paul often says, it’s being alongside your client - “think with your client’s not for them”.

From small, consistent steps that help you integrate the ideas into your own way of working. Here are some of my starting points that helped me shift from threat-based perfectionism about my practice to compassionately being the best version of a beginner that I could be.

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Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

1. Start small

You don’t need to open with a perfect guided practice or a full-blown CFT formulation. Try identifying a few small things that might fit well with what you’re already doing, and experiment with an intention of finding your style rather than “getting it right”.

If you already ask clients things like, “What would a friend say in this situation?”, you’re already supporting them to tap into their compassionate mind.

One of my first adjustments was to change how I framed CBT thought records. Instead of “evidence for and against,” I renamed the columns “this thought is understandable because…” and “what I would also like to remember is…”. I would then weave in Socratic questions that were less about retribution and more about compassionate validation. Just adding phrases like “Given your history…this makes sense” helped shift the tone.

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2. Use your voice

A key change that I found helpful is playing around with tone of voice when doing any form of cognitive work. Not only does it help to demonstrate how emotional textures make a difference, but it can also create humour in the room.

When reading back a ‘balanced thought’, you could try using different voice tones. I like the angry version or anxious version as a starting point. But you can be creative - how about the bored or distracted version? Try following up with a compassionate version, use a short breathing practice, and ask the client to imagine they were reading it to someone they would want to be supportive towards, invite them to imagine how thier voice would change as they said it.

Sometimes I’d ask, “Notice how that feels when you or I say it like this… how does it land?” Then I’d ask the client to reflect on why the same words might feel different when spoken harshly vs gently.

This opens up conversations about how our emotional states shape our interpretations; how threat narrows our focus, and how soothing can broaden it. It’s a simple, experiential way of bringing in core CFT principles without needing to name them all or go into a big explanation.

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3. Normalise the clunk

I started owning the clunk. I’d say to clients, “This might feel a bit weird at first… but let’s just go with it and see how it feels”. Or I would have a few notes written down, and be honest with clients that I don’t always remember everything.

Naming the awkwardness often made it less awkward.

I found that what helped was giving myself permission to let it be a bit messy, but approaching it with a sense of playfulness and curiosity with my client. Remember that if you’re in your head worrying and being self-critical about yourself in session, this is more likely to appear like you’ve ‘made a mistake’ rather than if you approach it from a place of co-creation and finding what works together.

I found that modelling compassion towards myself in those moments seemed to give clients permission to try new things without fear of getting it wrong or of telling me that they don’t understand.

If you know someone else that would love to try this out, why not share and help build our compassionate community of therapist.

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Final Thoughts

So if you’re in that in-between place, where you want to use CFT but it doesn’t feel natural yet, know that it’s okay to start clunky. In fact, it’s probably unavoidable and will probably make you a better therapist with your own style.

You don’t have to wait until you feel confident. Confidence comes after practice, not before. And every small shift you make, every time you slow down, change your tone, try something new, is helping to build that compassionate muscle.

There’s no one right way to do this work. What matters is that you care enough to try.

And if you’ve had a “clunky moment” recently, I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment or reply to this post.

Let’s normalise the messiness of learning together.